The Animal

    This animal inside me, it hungers every day,
    It lies to me and tells me
    it will take my pain away.
    
    When first I fed this animal,
    it made me glow inside;
    So I kept on feeding him,
    I soon found out he lied.
    
    He lied to me when first,
    he made my pain subside,
    He lied to me when he required constant feeding,
    And took me for a ride.
    
    A ride that led to violence,
    Depression and pure hate.
    A ride that all my feedings
    Could never quite abate.
    
    The animal raged inside me
    for many years too long;
    The animal twisted all my thoughts,
    Right turned into wrong.
    
    Wrong became the norm as the animal grew strong,
    And feeding him was no longer my choice;
    As his appetite grew long.
    
    No matter how much I fed him,
    He always wanted more;
    Never satisfied;
    It was a burden that I bore.
    
    All those sins I learned about
    when I was but a child;
    All Came to fruition
    as the animal went wild.
    
    It took me to the gutter,
    Body broken, soul quite dead;
    The animal made all my choices,
    It owned my heart and head.
    
    When I became to sick and empty
    to feed him anymore,
    He raged at me for ten long days
    in a detox to make me pure.
    
    Detox was a nightmare;
    The animal screamed all day;
    It woke me from my slumber,
    Wanting me to play.
    
    Sometime after detox
    and a year of depriving him;
    I started to feel
    like a human being once again.
    
    Over the years the animal
    has reared it’s ugly head;
    Promising me freedom
    but guaranteeing death.
    
    
    It has been a long time now
    since this animal was wild;
    He was the controlling force inside me
    since I was just a child.
    
    But today I know he’s lying
    when he whispers in my ear;
    One shot of me and I will remove
    all your doubt and fear.
    
    Sobriety has been a long road;
    I damaged myself a lot
    After many years of sobriety;
    I still remember his big part.
    
    I pay the price each day
    as pain courses through my body,
    It burns my muscles, my bones
    and all that once was godly.
    
    But I wake up every day,
    And face the animal down;
    He will not steal another day,
    Make me his foolish clown.
    
    The animal never dies,
    He patiently awaits,
    For a moment in my life
    when I need my pain to just abate.
    
    I have to remember every day
    what the animal really does.
    Once I unleash him
    and I become the person I once wa

    

Wake Up

   You watch TV and wonder why,
   People hurt people;
   You think and you sigh.

   “I don’t understand how a person could hate so much,
   To torture; to maim; to kill;
   Remember the times you suspected abuse
   but sat so perfectly still.

   You knew a child was in desperate need,
   But It wasn’t your problem then,
   You didn’t care because after all, it wasn’t your sick deed.

   You ignored all those screams you heard them shout
   You closed your windows to shut it out.
   Besides, there were others who heard it too
   Let them help out, it wasn’t for you.

   So, the next time you see news that rattles your cage,
   Imagine that child kept inside a house full of rage.
   After years of crying, the child becomes numb;
   To the sound of a bone break,
   The cock of a gun.

   So, open your windows and look around;
   For the child in need; he is easily found.
   He’s quiet and frightened and frequently bruised;
   His soul’s been corrupted,
   His body’s been used.

   Remember the next time you tell yourself
   “It’s not my place”.
   When that child grows up;
   And cocks his gun at your face.

   Maybe you’ll realize,
   You helped feed his hate;
   By ignoring his pain,
   little care for his fate;

   The fate of a child after years of abuse.
   It is easy to predict,
   So wake up to the truth.

   You cannot ignore it when you know something’s wrong,
   Because it will become your problem before too long.

   When he grows up and needs drugs
   to get through the day,
   And when his drugs run out;
   Pray you aren’t in his way.

   He will kill for the money he needs to get high,
   To blot out the pain; to help him get by

   To get through life hating all of mankind;
   because no one helped him all those years so confined.

   Don’t you dare shake your head at the sad news you hear,
   You helped to create it through your apathy and fear.

   Wake up, Wake up to that small voice inside;
   That tells you a child’s in pain and it will not subside.

   Do something now,
   Before it’s too late,
   When he cocks the gun that delivers YOUR fate.


    

Kaleidoscope

The sky is a kaleidoscope;
Pinks, reds and blues;
Bleeding all together;
So beautiful these hues.

The colors of the daytime meld together,
in a painting just for me;
It burrows into my memory,
For beauty never stays

Despite the pain on the earth below,
The angels paint for me;
This moment of pure beauty;
Just for me to see

The sky called to me with colors
that I cannot ignore;
So beautiful, so vivid
and so very pure

Darkness will come and close the curtains,
For beauty never stays;
All the earth’s sheer ugliness
Is hidden by her shades.

She’ll be back again tomorrow;
Her colors all anew;
She will paint the sky again;
With new colors just for you.

    

Boys to Men

      The first time I felt you move inside me,
      Spark grew into flame.;
      A love began to grow inside;
      I would never be the same
      
      The first time that I held you,
      My eyes welled up with tears;
      All my life i’d waited
      You extinguished all my fears
      
      I lived my life without love,
      Believing it wasn't real
      But then I looked into your eyes;
      So suddenly I could feel.
      
      Your first words, your first steps,
      Your beautiful little smile;
      Caused my heart to grow new wings
      Suddenly life was so worthwhile
      
      For so many years as a single mom,
      I couldn't wait for you to get older
      Believed my life would get easier,
      instead it felt much colder.
      
      No more rocking you to sleep
      Your warmth against my heart
      You were sleeping on your own now
      I no longer played a part
      
      The years went by so quickly;
      Birthdays came and went
      I didn’t see it happening
      As time was quickly spent
      
      I would sell my soul to go back in time,
      When each night before you'd sleep
      You looked at me with a trust so sure
      A love so pure and sweet
      
      I miss holding your hand when you crossed the street,
      Looking up at me with a trust so complete;
      You needed me so much back then;
      Through you my heart was born again
      
      Those days are now just memories,
      I can’t go back in time;
      To when you were my little boys,
      With a love so sweet and so sublime
      
      I can’t help but feel sadness,
      As the years have passed me by;
      And I miss those baby boys;
      Who taught my heart to fly
      
      The fact remains; my boys are now grown
      And I must let them fly away,
      A fact of life I’ve always known
      As they must go and find their way
      
      I will never forget that these full grown men
      We’re once a flutter inside of me
      As I was born again
      And my heart was finally free
      
      To become a mom to these little guys
      My love never wavered a bit
      Regardless of the fact;
      I knew soon we would split
      
      So now i am alone again
      I see you now and then
      As I felt you once just a flutter
      While my boys turned into men

    

Feral Child

Feral child alone in the wild,
No one hears her cry,
No one to hold her, no one to help her
No one to care if she lives or dies.

Cold, hungry, dirty and scared,
She prays to god that someone will care
Get her out of the nightmare she’s living each day
That her life will spared she prays and she prays

But her prayers go unanswered,
So her faith starts to die,
Her prayers turn to hatred
She thinks that God is a lie;

She curses this god who won’t ease her pain;
This god who won’t help her out
So a fire and rage begins to grow
As she continues to fight hate and doubt

Surrounded by animals who never refrain,
From clawing her body and soul.
A body so broken a mind so twisted
No chance to she will ever be whole

She tries to fit in, but exhaustion wins out,
She goes on day by day just wanting to shout
“I cannot fit in here. I have desperately tried”;
But she can’t stop wondering when she will die

So she grows into adulthood; so out of control
So the soon the questions arise;
Where do we put her? We must put her away;
We camnot avert our eyes

So they remove her from all things human,
In an isolation room she is thrown
Where they strap her down, tie her limbs to a bed
Locked away in a room; once again she’s completely alone

She finally escapes that mental ward
She chooses to go back to the wild
She chooses to drink and drug away her pain;
She is broken; completely defiled

So open your eyes and do not ignore,
The feral child outside your front door.
Remember that child neglected and bruised,
Soon a walking time-bomb; can no longer be defused

Fear her, pity her; whatever helps you sleep at night;
Its easier to ignore it than to intervene;
but your indifference will soon turn to fright;
As her fate is sealed in anger; fate you should have foreseen.

So help her now before her scars turn to hate,
Before it becomes entirely too late,

Before her problems soon become yours;
Before her her rage breaks through your front door

Her body’s alive but her soul is dead
Remember that when she holds her gun to your head


    

Survival

      Waves pulling, pushing, crashing;
      Smashing, crushing, breaking;
      Swirling memories inside;
      all the while just taking
      My soul.
      
      Fragments, pieces, shards and scraps;
      All shattered parts of me
      Locks, ties and leather straps
      Piercing, puncturing, confining
      Me.
      
      Large into small
      Small into miniscule;
      Whole into sections
      Sections no longer connected;
      Fighting.
      
      Swirling, spinning, colliding;
      Floating, flailing, struggling;
      Last moments, last breath
      All struggling;
      To Survive.

    

Betrayal

     
      
      My body has betrayed me,
      It is failing on me now,
      For years it was so broken,
      No regard as to how.
      
      Youth did lie, it kept back the fear;
      If life was fair I wouldn’t be here.
      The pain in my body, the pain in my head,
      Feed off each other,; Enough can’t be said.
      
      So treasure your health,
      While you have it to hold;
      For before you know it,
      You could feel very old.
      
      Angry at those who hurt you
      and all that they once did;
      As an unknowing youth, as a child, and as a kid;
      
      I would give anything now to undo the abuse
      The fuse lit so long ago; I can no longer defuse.
      But fate stepped in and broke me down
      I hid my pain; became the class clown
      
      
      Each day I wake up unbalanced; unsure;
      If I can make it to my bedroom door
      Without falling onto the floor
      
      You just can’t undo the damage at will,
      You get no relief, there is no such pill.
      No pill that will fix this body that’s been made,
      This body that needed help ; but now has betrayed
      
      You can’t stop this betrayal,
      It is far too strong.
      No point in blaming those who did you wrong
      
      It was wrong of me to drink and drug at will,
      Assuming the answers were inside a pill;
      
      So the years have passed by;
      I know I shouldn’t be here.
      For I should have died so long ago,
      When death was so near.
      
      When anger and hate was all I would know
      But sadly enough you reap what you sow
      
      I guess I should be glad God spared me
      But I’m tired of the pain.
      No peace to be had; or strength to obtain
      
      
      I’m alone and broken; in this prison I live
      With little to offer and nothing to give
      My body’s betrayed me for all it endured
      A betrayal I live with; of this I am sure.