My Double Life

to Every day I have these moments when everything seems surreal.  Everything is just beyond my grasp.  I am enclosed in some invisible bubble floating through the day.  People pass me and speak to me; I respond to them and move on but none of it seems real.  I feel fake most of the time.  None of the people in my life today know anything about my past and it needs to stay that way but it feels fake.  If they found out about me, they would not allow me to work with them.  They would be afraid of me.  They would never see me the same again.  To them I just this average every day 9 to 5 person; Type A personality; Manager; Executive; carrying myself like the others…trying so hard to fit in but knowing deep down I never will.  I cannot connect to them.  They are for the most part normal.. When I say normal- I am not picturing the Brady Bunch–my definition is pretty inclusive…as far as I can tell anyone who didn’t play russian roulette with their dad when they were 10, never saw their brothers brains run down a wall, have never been strapped down, drugged up and locked up for years at a time are, to me, normal.  I would wager most of them went through their childhoods without ever firing a gun…ever knowing the feel of steel pressed to their temple..And Thank God!!   I wouldn’t wish what my head contains on anyone.